The fanny pack. I am 24 years old and have yet to see anyone make these things work. Anyone under the age of 45 that is.
You see, fanny packs, like shorts, and flip-flops have this innate thing. This “I don’t really give a shit anymore” vibe that only a certain few can rock. You need to be willing to look like a complete zoo animal to unironically rock the big fanny.
So fanny packs are really really practical. It’s like having an additional pocket pocket on your belly, like a kangaroo 🦘. So it’s no wonder that these things have existed since forever.
The oldest known fanny pack was found on the mummified body of Ötzi, the Iceman, who lived in the Alps around 3400-3100 BCE.
Ötzi's belt pouch was made of calf leather and held a variety of essential items, including a sharpened piece of bone, a flint-stone drill and blade, and a tinder pouch.
Ötzi is a chill dude. I helped him fill his gas last week. But apart from being a chill dude, he is also a mummy.
Also, this is probably also the beginning of pockets as a whole.
So whatever Otzi has going on is not really a fanny pack. It’s a belt pouch. Fanny packs, as we know them at least, first became prominent much later.
FANNY PACKS IN ANTIQUITY
What do the calculator, the watch, the flashlight, the music player, the wallet, and the notepad (the physical object, not the Windows app you goober) have in common?
They all fit inside this cute little thing we call the phone. But this wasn’t the case for most of human history.
For most of our existence, you couldn’t just waddle outside with your phone and nothing else. No, you needed to carry other shi-stuff too.
This is why fanny packs have existed in some form or fashion in most ancient cultures since antiquity.
Ancient Roman soldiers used a fanny pack called a "loculus" to carry food rations and personal items. This was a square-shaped bag made of vegetable-tanned leather, and it was worn around the waist
Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics depict men wearing bags on belts, which were used to carry small items such as money and food. Native Americans used a type of fanny pack called a "buffalo pouch," which was made from the hide of a buffalo and used to carry personal items and food.
Style is fleeting, but practicality is eternal.
TO STORE GODLY THINGIES
The fanny pack took a turn in the Middle Ages. While ancient civilizations used them to store tools and other such goodies, the Middle Ages saw them turn into objects used by religious institutes.
Aumonieres, also known as arm purses, were carried by men and women. These pouches usually carried payer beads, prayer beads, or small devotional items.
Like a lot of things in fashion, the fanny pack does not really have a strict definition. So anything and everything that involves the hip and a bag becomes a fanny pack.
BUM-BAG
Okay but why the name?
Believe it or not, the fanny pack was originally “founded” as the bum-bag. A bag worn by British skiers. And isn’t that just the most Brit thing ever?
Anyways, so the bum-bag became popular and ultimately shuffled its way to the US, where it quickly became dubbed as the fanny pack.
Why? I hear you thinking?
So it all began as a jest, with Americans aiming to playfully poke fun at the British. I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but it's safe to say that this light-hearted banter unintentionally did the Brits a favour.
After all, 'fanny' does sound considerably less peculiar than 'bum,' doesn't it?
HOTTEST PRODUCT OF THE YEAR ??????
The modern fanny pack as we know it first became popular in the 1980s. It was seen as a convenient and stylish way to carry small essentials. However, its popularity declined in the 1990s as it became to be seen as an unfashionable accessory.
Unfashionable???? PROPOSTOROUS!!
Rubber ducks turn heads, especially when combined with loud quacks and mating calls at the local McDonalds. The fanny pack is to fashion what a rubber duck is to a fine dining experience – it's unconventional, weird, quirky, and bound to make a few heads turn!
But the fanny pack, or as I will refer to them from now on, the bum bag, had their moment of glory in 1988.
In the late 1980s, peak fashion meant mom jeans, baggy pants, spiked hair. Hence the fanny pack was labelled as “the hottest product of the year”, by Adweek.
That just makes me wheeze. I NEED TO KNOW WHO WROTE THAT. I NEED ANSWERS!!
FROM VOGUE TO CHANEL
High fashion quickly caught on. From Chanel to Vogue, a lot of fashion houses realised the rising popularity of this phlegm of fashion and started capitalizing on it.
But fanny packs, even when worn by the most attractive of human beings, had this dork factor. And over time, this dork factor became its calling card.
As Jerry Seinfeld once put it - “it looks like your belt’s digesting a small animal”
in conclusion
Fashion is intended to evoke emotions. But what kind of emotions, exactly?
A leather jacket exudes coolness, a pair of aviator shades screams cool, and there are numerous items that effortlessly embody coolness.
And then there's the fanny pack.
It's as though, by proudly being the least cool item in the room, it transcends indifference and paradoxically achieves a unique level of coolness.
That being said, I still hate them. But hell if I know.